Do you ever feel like you hold yourself back?
I sure do.
Sometimes stepping away and giving things time to simmer is a good thing. I do this when I have something I’m going to drop a lot of cash on and I just want to be 100% sure. When I bought my road bike, the one I wanted was only available online so I couldn’t test it out first. That thing sat in my cart for over SIX MONTHS and I opened the site and looked at it EVERY DAY. But, when I finally hit that “Checkout” button, I was sure it was worth the money (and I was right!).
Sometimes though, it’s not prudence holding us back. It’s straight up FEAR.
One of my biggest fears ever is of failing. That fear holds me back from starting, persisting and completing so many things. It does not help that my definition of failure = not meeting my goals and expectations, regardless of the reason. Very black and white, and zero grace for things that are out of my control.
I only recognized that this was my problem after listening to a podcast in which Dr. Jim Taylor was being interviewed about a series of articles he wrote about Fear of Failure. I’m listening and suddenly…it hits me…he’s talking about ME. The actual articles are written in reference to children, but the idea is the same. I’ll link them below – you should really check them out from the source.
Symptoms of this fear for me were:
-
- Procrastinating (being hesitant to try or start something)
- Self-sabotage (underpreparing or acting against my plan)
- Impostor syndrome (self doubt, fear of others thinking I didn’t belong)
- Anxiety/Nervousness
- Perfectionism
Sound familiar? Welcome to the club.
I’m not going to pretend like I know the answer – I’m still working on this one for myself. I had been dealing with this for such a long time, that I finally got tired of not being able to accomplish what I wanted to do. I decided to take action – so here are a few things I implemented that are helping me, and maybe they can help you too.
-
- Talk to someone about it. Try talking to a close friend, or a group of people that you trust. This is where having a community you can reach out to can perhaps help. For me…I found I needed to see a therapist. Start small with a trusted friend, and then escalate if it doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere.
-
-
Try some exposure therapy. Now this, my friends, is some tough love. In the words of Dr. Susan Jeffers: “Feel the fear…and Do it Anyway”. Just go and do it, and you may realize it’s not as bad as you thought. We so often build things up in our heads that aren’t even close to reality.
-
Start with small steps instead of a giant leap. Just jumping it and doing it not happening? Dip your toe in, start with something small. Know yourself, and understand what could make this effort easier for you. Read Dr. Jeffers’ book for some ideas, or even try a habit-building strategy like those in James Clear’s book, “Atomic Habits”.
-
All I really ask is that you don’t let yourself get held back by this fear. Work on it. Come up with some strategies that might work for you (and actually try them!). But don’t let it run your life. If you’ve watched the recent made-over movie, DUNE, or read the book, you’ll recall that “FEAR IS THE MIND-KILLER”. It is indeed the mind-killer, and it’s a BIG dream-killer too.
Don’t let fear kill your dreams. Let’s take these first steps together and move forward.
“You’ve made this a special day, just by being you. There’s no person in the world like you, and I like you just the way you are.”
Mister (Fred) Rogers
LINKS
Dr. Jim Taylor’s series on Fear of Failure (Click “Next” to read the follow ups!)
Dr. Susan Jeffers’ book, “Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway”
James Clear’s book, “Atomic Habits”